Okay, okay, I know I haven’t updated this blog in a long time . . . but I’m busy! I’m a college student. I have papers due, and finals.
And though it pains me to say this, I’m a princess, you know? I have to help my dad rule our small European country sometimes (that many people frequently mistake for the movie versions. Check it, peeps: pears are NOT what Genovia is best known for. It is OLIVE OIL. Though I appreciate what the movie versions based on my life have done for the Genovian tourist industry. I only wish I could look as hot as the star who played me … only of course, not as skinny as she is in her new movie* since she is supposed to be starving to death in it, even though it is a musical, not that I will ever see it since according to Tina Hakim Baba, she dies at the end of it – SPOILER ALERT – and I hate movies where people die),
(*Also, I never listen to stylists who urge me not to wear panties at public functions such as premieres, because I know how difficult it can be to get out of limos without flashing my lady bit to the press. If only I’d imparted this bit of crucial information to the actress who’d play me in the movies of my life! Oh, well, too late now, I suppose.)
(Oh, Tina Hakim Baba just told me to tell you that if you are going to see Anna Karenina, a major character dies at the end of that movie, too, so SPOILER ALERT. Just doing some princess charity for you!)
Speaking of which, I have to perform acts of charity ALL THE TIME as a princess (such as helpfully handing out spoilers to movies that might upset people at the holiday season, and advising young actresses to wear panties, only sometimes I forget that one), so that’s another reason this blog is so sadly neglected.
These acts of charity include keeping my insane grandmother from killing Lindsay Lohan in nightclubs (I know it will surprise you to hear this, but Lindsay’s actually not so bad. You know who is a nightmare? My grandma’s psychic. Also, RHIANNA. But you didn’t hear that from me).
(Oh, no, you just did. Well, pretend you didn’t.)
And—it doesn’t pain me as much to say this as it did the princess thing. OK, it doesn’t pain me at all—I have a boyfriend. Whatever time off I get from school and princess work, I try to spend with him. And also with my friends. And with my cat, who is getting pretty old. Oh, and with my family, of course!
(I’m not forgetting them. They’re important to me. It’s just still gross to see my mom making out with my teacher.)
Though I do realize I’m very lucky to have all of you as my fans, it’s hard to keep up with a blog and social media networking TOO, in addition to all of the above. Plus the death threats and the occasional plots to overthrow the throne, not to mention the creepy marriage proposals from Saudi Arabian princes, ew, I wish I could tell Tina Hakim Baba about them but she would think they were romantic because she likes romances starring Saudi Arabian princes, but that is because she only reads about them, she has never lived one. Not that I have either, one (future) husband is enough for me, thanks.
But I swear I will be back to update this blog just as soon as finals are over. Maybe. If there’s not another international scandal involving my grandmother and Lindsay Lohan that I have to handle (don’t even get me started on Rhianna. What is with her and Chris Brown? I mean . . . well, like I said, don’t get me started).
Or if Michael doesn’t whisk me off to some tropical island for Christmas for some well needed R & R (ha, I wish. My dad wouldn’t go TOO ballistic over that).
(Not that my dad would ever find out.)
(Oh, wait, he would because I just wrote it. STUPID INTERNET. This is why I need to go back to keeping diaries which are PRIVATE.)
(But probably Lars my bodyguard will tell my dad if Michael whisks me off to a romantic tropical island getaway anyway regardless if I write about it online.)
(You know what? For Christmas all I want is A NEW DIARY WITH A LOCK ON IT.)
Well, Merry Christmas if I don’t talk to you before then anyway.
Wishing you all the best this holiday season, and a very happy New Year!