Grandmere just barged in here and said she read in a magazine her latest spa appointment that Tweeter and MyFace are among the best ways to reach out to the common populace.
I assured her she meant Twitter and Facebook and she said, "You needn’t be so condescending, Amelia. We must update your frog!"
Apparently Grandmere has some things she wants to say about the Oscar fashions, even though that’s old news now (kind of like Grandmere).
I knew this was too good an opportunity to miss so I threw a pillow at Lily who was crashed under a pile of laundry on my guest bed (her roommate kicked her out for the weekend because her parents are visiting. Lily’s recently taken up Wicca in an effort to freak out their religious RA).
Then I sent the limo for Tina, because I knew we needed her the way the Obama health care bill needs Dr. Oz.
Here’s the transcript, in case you’re interested:
Mia, Tina, Lily and Grandmere Critique the Oscar Fashions
Grandmere: Amelia, this is exactly what I was warning you about the other day. Always check to make sure your dress isn’t the same color as your flesh. It’s rule number one of fashion.
Mia: Got it, Grandmere.
Tina: Oooh, I love it! Look at all the ruffles!
Lily: That reminds me. Mia, stop hogging all the chips and salsa.
Grandmere: You see? Just because something is designer doesn’t mean it’s flattering to your figure.
Mia: But she was good in Inglorious Basterds.
Tina: It’s nice from the waist up, though.
Lily: Really, Tina. Don’t you ever have anything bad to say about anything? Is this because Boris bones you every night?
Tina: Oh, my goodness.
Grandmere: A hard man is good to find. I remember when I was in college—
Mia: You were never in college, Grandmere. Next photo please.
George Clooney and friend
Grandmere: Back to what I was saying about a hard man being good to find—
Mia: Michael looks just like that in a tux. Without the grey.
Lily: Uh, my brother looks NOTHING like this.
Tina: Her dress is so pretty!
Grandmere: Amelia, I’m going to have Paolo make something like this for you for Prince William’s wedding, so he can see what he missed.
Mia: Yes, please.
Tina: Can I have one, too?
Lily: She looks like that Barbie you used to have, Mia. The one I threw on the roof.
Grandmere: Disappointing lack of jewels. I highly disapprove. Where is her tiara?
Mia: Jewels would have distracted from the beautiful cut of the gown.
Tina: She’s a classic beauty. She didn’t need any other adornment.
Lily: Why did she scratch herself so much while she was presenting, though? Fleas from her werewolf boyfriend? HA HA HA.
Mia: You’re so stupid sometimes, Lily.
Jeff Bridges and wife
Grandmere: A marriage that has spanned decades, just like his career.
Mia: You might want to consider a dress like the one she’s got on, Grandmere, instead of those sleeveless numbers you always wear. Just a suggestion.
Grandmere: But then how I will show off how toned my arms have become from all the plastic surgery I’ve had?
Mia: Oh, ugh, did we really need to know that?
Tina: They look so sweet together!
Lily: Crazy Heart was just a family friendly The Wrestler.
Grandmere: So am I to understand anyone may call herself a queen in America, and we’re all supposed to just o along with it? What is she queen of, precisely?
Mia: Grandmere! She’s amazing. She can call herself queen anytime she wants.
Tina: I think she’s queen of that dress.
Lily: Mia, I swear to God, if you don’t quit hogging the chips I’m going to steal Lars’s gun and shoot you in the back of the head with it.
Grandmere: Who, precisely, is this? Wonder Woman? Is that her special insignia on her belt, to signify her superpower?
Mia: Grandmere! That’s Molly Ringwald! She was in Pretty in Pink! She looks great!
Tina: I love her hair.
Lily: I wonder if she made that dress herself, like in the movie.
Mia: Oooh, good point.
Grandmere: This is precisely what I wanted to warn you about, Amelia. This is what’s known as—
Mia: I know. Group think. Everyone tells you it’s great, you don’t get enough fresh opinions, and you go out looking like a stripper on prom night.
Grandmere: That is not what I was going to say at all. I was going to say, "This is what’s known as a shocking lack of jewelry."
Tina: I think it’s pretty.
Lily: Tina. This would be pretty for the porn awards. But that’s not what she was wearing this to.
Grandmere: Tasteful yet makes a statement. I predict this girl will go a long way. She, too, needs a great deal more jewelry. I don’t know what all these young girls are thinking.
Tina: Her dress has tons of diamonds on it, Your Majesty.
Grandmere: Highness. I am only a Dowager Princess, Miss Hakim Baba. That makes me Your Highness to you.
Tina: I’m so sorry, Your Highness.
Lily: Precious made me want to put a bullet in my own head. Though Gabby was good in it.
Mia: I know, right? And so was Mariah. And M’Onique.
Grandmere: That lipstick is atrocious. No wonder her husband strayed.
Mia: Grandmere! We’re talking about dresses here! Not people’s love lives. Besides, what about you? You’ve had plenty of guys call the tabloids and say that you two have—
Grandmere: Being a royal is so difficult in this day and age. Everyone wants to take advantage. And Mario was such an excellent masseuse. I don’t know what I’m going to do without him. And that tattoo didn’t stand for White Pride, it stood for—
Tina: Cough. Sandra looks amazing. I wish her all the best.
Lily: This is a classic example of "If you visualize it, it will come." She dressed as an Oscar, and look what happened?
Mia: Right. She’ll come out on top, because she’s strong and funny, and she won’t let anyone take advantage of her.
Mia: I have to say . . . Grandmere is right, for once.
Tina: I hope I look like her at her age. I wish I looked like her NOW.
Lily: Oh, my God, Mia, how long has this cheese been in your fridge? Don’t you have a maid or something to clean this thing out?
Grandmere: This is, of course, completely, inappropriate.
Mia: I think it looks good from the top, but then your gaze strays downward, and you think—
Grandmere: Exactly. Where is her NECKLACE?
Mia: Okay, moving along.
Tina: Oh, my God, LILY! Don’t wave that in my face!
Lily: I don’t think it IS cheese.
Grandmere: Prints are never appropriate at a formal event.
Mia: I think I’m going to give you this one, Grandmere.
Tina: I think she—
Lily: We know. She looks pretty. But she also looks like she’s wearing the bedspread from a motel room.
Lily: Wait. Let me do this one: “Go back! Go back to Pandora!”
Grandmere: Well done, Miss Moscovitz!
Mia: I wish you would both leave now if you aren’t going to take this seriously.
Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick
Grandmere: Is Miss Parker with child? Is that a baby bump I see? If not, then why no waist line?
Tina: She can’t be pregnant. She just had twins with a surrogate! And it was horrible, the sheriff of this town, he tried to blackmail—
Mia: Tina. She’s being sarcastic. She doesn’t like the dress.
Tina: Oh. But I just can’t wait for Sex in the City 2 and I think she looks—
Lily: Don’t say it.
Grandmere: Good heavens.
Mia: It’s unfair to put writers on here. They aren’t professional movie stars.
Tina: And this is a very unflattering photo. She looked very nice in that dress in real life. At least on TV.
Grandmere: I only meant, where is her NECKLACE?
Lily: I’ll give you a necklace, you old biddy.
Grandmere: What was that, Miss Moscovitz?
Lily: Would you like a Red Bull, Your Highness?
Grandmere: I would not. I find that drink vulgar. Unless mixed with Grey Goose vodka.
Grandmere: Is this young lady supposed to be dressed as a sea anemone?
Mia: Stop! Just stop it!
Grandmere: Perhaps she’s a clam. I would welcome anything that looked like that on a sea food tower served to me at Maxim’s.
Mia: I loved her in Up in the Air!
Tina: I think it’s the camera angle.
Lily: I think this dress would rock as a project for my 3-D class.
Grandmere: This child needs to learn to stand up straight and stop smirking into the camera.
Mia: Grandmere, that’s Miley Cyrus. She’s like a bazillionaire.
Grandmere: Then she ought to know better than to wear what appears to be lingerie and a petticoat to an evening event.
Tina: Oh, dear.
Lily: This is awesome. This is like the best day I’ve had in weeks.
Grandmere: What in the name of God was this young woman thinking? Did she mistake the Oscars for a Luau?
Mia: Yeah. It maybe isn’t what I would have chosen.
Tina: She still looks really beautiful.
Lily: In a million years I never believed her character would fall for Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart. She was way too pretty. And young. He was a drunk, and she left him with her young child after admitting she didn’t trust men? Unbelievable. Literally.
Grandmere: While this young woman isn’t wearing a necklace, her dress is dripping with enough jewels that it doesn’t matter. You see that, Amelia?
Mia: Those aren’t jewels, Grandmere. They’re tiny scissors and stuff.
Grandmere: Good heavens. I withdraw my approval.
Tina: I think she looks amazing!
Lily: I wish they were real chainsaws. And that they worked. And she’d mowed down all the reporters from E!
Grandmere: I don’t know who this young woman is, but she reminds me of someone. . . I can’t think who . . .
Mia: She was the star of Avatar and Star Trek. She looks gorgeous.
Grandmere: I didn’t see either of those films.
Tina: I love that dress. I wish it came in a size 14.
Lily: Good luck with that. Most fashion designers are totally sizeist.
Grandmere: I know! Rommel! She looks exactly like Rommel!
Mia: Your hairless miniature poodle???
Grandmere: Yes, of course, with the poofs on the end. It reminds me of Rommel’s tail, back when he used to have fur.
Mia: I don’t think so, Grandmere.
Grandmere: Classic and cool. So typical of Kate Hepburn.
Mia: Kate Winslet you mean, Grandmere.
Grandmere: That’s what I said.
Mia: That isn’t what you said.
Grandmere: I think I know what I said, Amelia.
Tina: I think everyone looks great!
Lily: Don’t you people have anything better to do than sit around and critique other people’s clothes? There are babies dying in Rwanda right now? Oh, is that Johnny Depp?
Grandmere: Is she planning on a round of archery later?
Mia: I do love this dress. But not the wrist cuff.
Tina: The wrist cuff is different. I like that she wants to be different.
Lily: When can we order in some pizza?
Grandmere: Now this is a dress!
Mia: Uh"¦I think there were some more flattering photos of her in this dress somewhere else—let me see if I can find them"¦.
Grandmere: Who is this woman? Royalty? She must be royalty. Look at her regal bearing! That carriage, so erect. Those hips, so ripe for child bearing! She must surely be the greatest star of all time!
Mia: Grandmere, that’s J Lo.
Tina: Jennifer Lopez, Your Highness. She’s a rock star. Er, I guess she’s been in some movies, too. Maid in Manhattan? Oh, and Enough. I love Enough.
Grandmere: She should be in every movie ever made. She is beauty.
Lily: Your grandmere is a mental case, Mia.
Mia: You’re only figuring that out now?
Grandmere: Shocking. Simply shocking. How they could let this woman out of the house dressed this way, I will never know.
Mia: Grandmere! She looks great! She looks way classier than you ever have!
Grandmere: But she has no necklace!
Mia: That’s it. I give up.
We had to break off after this to get pizza, as everyone was light-headed from stress and arguing.
(We recovered after an extra large with cheese and mushrooms.)
This concludes our critique of the Oscar fashions. I hope you enjoyed it.
Thanks for reading!